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A Fairy Tale

The sky will fall next week.

I’m sure of it. I have scientific proof! It’s from a computer model that I came up with — a very fancy model, and there are only a few little bugs still left to work out. I thought I should tell you right away because I’m such a nice guy and care so much about the earth … and being green … and … and … tenure!

If you bother to ask what the ‘little bugs’ are, and if I were honest (Good luck with that! Can you say pimproll?), I’d tell you that I had to take all the measurements that the model needs as input and carefully ‘adjust’ each one, because what was actually measured wasn’t real enough. My changes make the new numbers much more real though. But then, I also had to use those new numbers to estimate the data I don’t have any numbers for at all, even bad, actual numbers. But not to worry, that’s only for a bit more than ¾ of the world, depending. Not a problem.

Oh, and by the way, even with the new numbers that I made up … er, I mean made real … my model has never predicted anything correctly. That’s another one of the little bugs. And also not a problem. Did I tell you I love the earth?

And as long as we’re doing this over-rated ‘honest’ thing, I should probably mention that I don’t really know how gravity works. So, I guessed. Here’s the main idea of my equation: In the model, moving trees make the wind blow. Then, the Venturi effect of the wind pulls the sky down closer to the earth. This happens all the time, but… since my neighbor planted some new trees as part of his landscape remodel (trees that block my view, I might add), then those new trees will tip the equation past the point of no return. And the sky will SMASH down and SMUSH us all!

Next week. On Thursday. At 5:42 in the afternoon.

More than twenty of my close personal friends agree with me. And since consensus is science, the sky WILL fall. Even a well-known former Senator with a prize from Norway says so. And he invented the Internet! But, don’t ask anyone else. First, there’s no time! And besides, they’re all just vile, baby-killing, grandmother-smothering, uncivil-discourse uttering Deniers out to enrich those disgusting, money-grubbing taxpayers … er, I mean Wall Street Fat Cats! Pant… pant… .

The point is that I can save you! If you just give government the rest of your money and go camp in the forest, then I will have money to fix the little bugs in the model. And then I’ll be able to tell you just exactly how chock full of horrid doom next week will be. On Thursday. At 5:42. The date and time are not in question. They’re settled science.

You have to do it all NOW though! A catastrophe is coming! Run for your life! AFTER you send all that extra money to the government. And anyway, if you have money that the government didn’t give you, then somehow you must have exploited poor people and minorities to get it. Unless you’re an actor, or a mega millionaire senator from Nevada who has never worked outside government, or have it in your freezer.

But that’s not important now. When you send all you have to the government, they will send a big chunk of it on to me. And the world will be saved!

Enjoy the forest.

Whatever you do though … pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.

  1. Tom
    April 17, 2011 at 4:16 pm

    By Jove, I think he has it. If he could only hook up with the Unindicted Nations green-o-crats he might be able to share in the eco-friendly world control progressivism and have nearly ALL the money. This could be huge….ecology credits as defined by Dave The Writer. I do believe it would make Goredom look like a piker. Look out George Soros …. your days as the wealthiest man are numbered. But are there hedge funds in eco-credits? Not to worry, the Unindicted Nations will develop them. On the downside, if it all comes to more than $250,000 it will be taxed heavily and proceeds will be used for re-distribution to those who get more from Earned Income Tax Credits than they earn in the first place, or alternatively, to the local chapter of SEIU.

    • April 18, 2011 at 7:38 am

      Aw, shucks. All I really want is to help old ladies across the street .. and help children learn to love the earth … and … and … there’s tenure of course.

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