Home > 2011 Posts > The Sad Legend of Twainless Brits

The Sad Legend of Twainless Brits

In the days of myth, mysticism and magic, a people arose to throw off the shackles of tyrannical reason and burst through the cruel, oppressive chains of human nature.

In that time, the wheels of progress had begun to turn ever faster. And the world had grown richer than ever before. People everywhere lived longer. Starvation had all but disappeared except where evil men were allowed to hold sway. Light and learning had expanded across the globe.

Then, a new kind of darkness began to take root.

In earlier times than this, only a few of the richest were shielded from the consequences of their actions: mad kings, ruthless dictators and debauched celebrities. But now, the slithering, soul-draining disease carried by the vile creature, Dizkonekt, began to bore into the hearts and minds of many others.

Over time, more and more succumbed to the illness that twisted their minds and drew them down into a delusional, deluded and deluding mental muck. Millions were infected by the relentless Dizkonekt and they infected tens of millions more. The yet-to-be-infected began to call those afflicted the Twainless Brits. It was a new kind of Zombie Apocalypse.

The festering corruption of this awful disease was fearful to behold. For the first time in human history, a person with Dizkonekt could live a long life completely insulated from the consequences of their foolish actions. No longer would a horse be allowed to kick them in the head if they poked it in the behind. No more did perverse behavior get corrected or expunged by others. And, alas, so far had the plague spread that huge masses of Twainless Brits sought to override the laws of nature itself with deranged rules of their own.

This was because the reason-leaching disease had taken over their minds and transported them into a state where simply wanting something made it so. Where just saying that one thing was the same as another made those two things the same. Where the only thing needed to make a falsehood true was repeating that lie over and over. In terms of disgust, this epidemic was on a par with the fetid, bursting pustules of the Black Death.

“Bring out your brain dead!”

In this sickened, Dizkonekt-altered state, the lost crowds of Twainless Brits ordered the building of complex and soaring, but catastrophically flimsy, towers of fantasy based on their insane rules. Then, in a mindless trance, they stood before the rising, unsustainable structures in rabid crowds, chanting the ritual formulae: wanting, saying, repeating – wanting, saying repeating – wanting, saying, repeating until the chant became a collective shriek of insane longing.

Through self-righteous thuggery and other collective villainy, the diseased forced all but a few of the uninfected to behave as if the Twainless Ones’ fantasies were true, as if catastrophe wasn’t sure to be the end result of their unhinged bullying.

Finally, led by ruthless legions of Twainless Brits, civilization hurtled toward irreversible, self-inflicted collapse.

And they all lived crappily ever after.

 — The End —

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  1. May 21, 2011 at 7:48 am
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