Home > 2011 Posts > PITA Versus the ASPCA

PITA Versus the ASPCA

An allegorical tale inspired by the Sunday morning talk shows

Terrorists!” The word burst out of nowhere into every news story. Its frantic, thundering drumbeat appeared as if by magic with a deafening screech. A lockstep chorus of media zealots and pundits on every network, editorial page and animal blog 24/7 screamed, “The ASPCA maniacs are tying bombs to pet food stores. This is the end of pet ownership as we know it! Their terror tactics are everywhere! They’re all pet-torturing suicide bombers!”

Oh, my! thinks I. What could those horrid ASPCA people have done now? So I search for a description of their heinous deeds, but can’t find it in any media story or anywhere on the PITA supporters’ websites. All I find is that ASPCA people are terrorists out to destroy all that is innocent and good in the animal kingdom, including poor Fido sitting at my feet as I write.

Baghdad Bob, Font of All Wisdom

I flip on the TV and a panel of three pundits plus a host tell me that ASPCA members are all committing some vile form of terror on me and everyone I care about. Exactly what it is isn’t clear, but it must be worse than the new Jihadi arrested outside Fort Hood because no one on the network ever mentions him.

And the scrolling bar underneath the talking heads confirms: “Terror, TERROR, TERROR!!!

How fascinating. A few days ago, I thought the pet issue was about how to be kindest to the most pets. Now, it seems, all at once, it’s about some mysterious form of terrorism worse that any woman-stoning, child-killing, soldier-beheading Jihadi ever thought of. How awful!

I guess I’ll have to be on my guard against those ghastly ASPCA folks. After all, PITA has never lied to me or gotten anything wrong before. Except when they said the ASPCA wanted to kill my grandmother of course, or starve kindergarteners, or turn pets into gasoline to enrich big corporations, or that they caused the world to melt.

So I better watch out! PITA cares so much about pets like mine and the ASPCA wants to kill them by slowly tearing their poor little limbs off. I know that because it’s right there on the PITA home page, so it must be true. And just now, the host with the tingling leg told the TV panel it was true. What more proof do I need?

…………… pause ……………

Oh boy, now I’m confused! A PITA Harridan First Class and her Journo-hench just kicked in my door and poisoned Fido. They said it was to save him from those awful ASPCA terrorists.

The bad guys must be close now. I’d better watch out or poor Fido might… uh… might… .

Hmmm, did I miss something?

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Any parallel between this post and the current debt ceiling debate in Washington DC is purely coincidental. And there’s this bridge for sale cheap in New York

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