Home > 2011 Posts, About Dave > Balderdash!

Balderdash!

I love that word. It’s clear, evokes the weight of tradition and is shorter by one letter than horsepuckey. In today’s world it even has a well-defined process.

As most people know, over the past several years, Balderdash production has skyrocketed thanks to widespread use of a now-standard, four-step process. Here is that process together with illustrative examples:

What a Lovely Old Word. So Much More Expressive Than "Nonsense!"

(1) Make a deeply false claim.

Example: “My heartless, wicked, grandmother-murdering opponents want to drown every kitten in the country! Help me stop these vile, soulless, hateful, piles of festering malice.”

(2) Take the relative high ground.

Example: “This racist, homophobic, Climate-Change-Denying, Gun-toting kitten genocide must stop!”

What a Promise! Let's Do It Now!

(3) Initiate a huge new government program. Also, claim the program, will cut costs, improve quality and increase access for all kittens. Just to be sure, also double funding for existing government programs that you can pretend are are vaguely related.

Example: “All cats must have free government fur preening, expanded ‘family planning’ services, and be de-clawed and defanged for their own protection.” This also includes (in very fine print): dogs, hamsters, miniature pigs and diseased wharf rats (who were recently unionized during a thug-administered non-secret ballot).

Be sure to point to an adorable wet kitten in the audience as you say the first part and carefully omit mention of the second. If pressed, say “This is so urgent! We’ll have to pass the bill in order to find out what’s in it.”

(4) Repeat. Use different nouns and even more damning adjectives to describe your opponent, then put forward ever-more-costly ‘solutions’.

Process Note: As a constant backdrop for this endless cycle, slander and defame your opponents, their families and friends with ever-more outrageous lies in ever-more crass language. But, all the while, whine and snivel about the ‘loss of civility’ in public discourse.

Isn’t that great? Now that the production of Balderdash has been standardized, it’s so easy to spot! And, for those of us who love the word but despise its result, it’s so much simpler to avoid the squishy, reeking mounds of it that befoul our paths every day.

How helpful of the Balderdash producers to make their product so noticeable.

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