Home > 2011 Posts, About Dave > Say No to Psycho Hose Beasts

Say No to Psycho Hose Beasts

The sweetest thing just happened. My 12-year-old Granddaughter came up to reassure me. Looking me solemnly in the eye and patting me on the arm, she said “Don’t worry, Papa, I’ll never turn into a psycho hose beast.”

Whew. What a relief!

The term was coined by Son #3 when he was a twenty-something. He used it to describe what happens to a lot of girls at puberty and beyond. For some, the condition goes into remission around the senior year of college, The formerly sweet child and ‘tween who became lost as a sullen, erratic, family-hating, whack-job Drama Queen, returns to most or all of her senses and may even feel remorse.

But, for too many others of the afflicted, the disease metastasizes, transforming their whole being into a high-strung, manipulative, bitter, mercurial, scheming, neurotic blight on the face of womanhood. For them, the feedback loop never closes. They become fully corporeal psycho hose beasts who blame all their bad choices on the nearest man or happy, well-balanced woman.

And their ever-widening spiral of vicious taint expands to touch many more innocent lives, as do their persecution fantasies. Soon, they see themselves as the Ultimate Victim and wreak vengeance with a continuous passive-aggressive, high-density schadenfruede. The cunning ones even develop a thin, brittle shell of apparent normality.

Everyone knows at least one of these women. But Political Correctness allows the only interpretation of their behavior to be as the sad result of horrid victimization. Considering the chance that the alleged victim herself could be horrid is socially verboten.

Each psycho hose beast that I encounter makes me thankful yet again: I am the luckiest man in the world to have found my confident, capable, calm, loving and fun-loving bride. And I couldn’t help but worry that my marvelous granddaughter might succumb to at least a teenage tussle with hose-beastliness. So, I’ve savored every minute of her thoroughly good-hearted girlhood and ‘tweenness. And I’ve been doing figurative cartwheels at her spontaneous words of assurance.

She and my bride, her grandmother, had been talking about all those things a young girl needs to know about the biological and social transformation that’s taking place when the topic of ‘bad girls’ came up. That led eventually to the family-jargon summary descriptor of Psycho Hose Beast. So, Grandma explained to her what it meant in detail together with some of the less-gruesome or R-rated examples. My bride tells me that our granddaughter nodded knowingly and remarked that a lot of girls she goes to school with may already qualify.

Our hopes are high that ‘forewarned is forearmed’ and that knowing about the dreaded condition of psycho hose beastliness will prevent the sweetest 12-year old in the world from falling into it’s clutches.

Fingers are crossed and eyes are raised to Heaven that it will be so.

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